What you’re about to read is a conversation I played out in my head. I’m talking to my friend who sort of convinced me to go to therapy for this issue. This friend of mine is real. I’m keeping this person anonymous by calling them V. It’s all related to the blog topic of self-compassion.
Dear V,
I just got back from a therapy session. My therapist encouraged me to write a blog post about self-compassion. I thought of you when I started writing because you were the one who encouraged me to go to therapy because of my struggles with self-compassion.
There have been several conversations over the phone where you’ve told me “Jerry, I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”
And every time you’ve said that, I would stay silent for a couple of seconds because nothing would resonate inside of me to want to change. Being hard on myself has become a drug to me. It’s like you telling me, “Jerry, I think you’re drinking too much.” I know I have, but I’ll still drink. Similarly, I will still treat myself harshly because it’s made me feel normal—even when “normal” is feeling constant negativity, disappointment, and shame.
I know I’ve been too hard on myself for small, silly things. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t been. I wish I knew how to get out of those dark moments.
Lately, I’ve been working on having more self-compassion by practicing cognitive restructuring, which involves challenging those negative thoughts and cognitive distortions and building more balanced viewpoints. It’s been tough because I’ve often let those negative thoughts get the best of me. I have to keep reminding myself it’s about progress, not perfection.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned through this practice is that I’m a very black-and-white thinker. If I’m not where I want to be in life, I feel disappointed and unsatisfied—honestly, that’s how I feel most days. But on the days when I do feel like I’m where I want to be, I feel like I’m on top of the world. In some way, that’s also how I view others. If I see someone who’s where they want to be in life, I put them on this high pedestal.
I haven’t quite figured out where and how this lack of self-compassion started. I think it’s got something to do with all the motivational videos I watched when I was younger. That constant pushing for perfection and “don’t waste any time” mentality sort of disrupted the balance between knowing when to push and knowing when I’ve done my best and letting that be enough. I hope that makes sense.
But you know what? When I have those moments where I weather the storm of negative thoughts and give myself that kindness and patience, I feel good. I really do, even if it’s only
for a brief moment.
I honestly wonder how different my life would feel day to day if I could treat myself the way I treat the people I care about.
How often would you treat yourself with compassion? When was the last time?
