If I died, my casket would be very heavy

Before I start this blog post, I just want to make it clear that I am in no way depressed or suicidal. I searched “if I died” on Google just to see what keywords popped up, and the suicide hotline came up as the first thing. So I just want to point out that this post is not related to self-harm or suicide. It’s part of my series of posts about my father’s passing. The intent is to provide content in a supportive, informative, and responsible way.

Okay! Now returning to our main topic…

A smooth funeral service

I went back to California last week for my dad’s funeral. Thankfully, everything went smoothly. A lot of people came to both the funeral and the visitation, which was a surprise. We knew we invited a lot of people, but we didn’t think more would show up. We had our extended family, church, my dad’s old college friends, and even our neighbors show up. I was so happy that so many people came to honor him. Here’s how big my dad’s side of the family is (and it’s not even everybody!).

The funeral service itself was only an hour, and it went by super fast. Nobody really likes being at a funeral so if you think an hour is long…it’s not.

A huge thank you to my mom’s church for helping us during the funeral.

My sister, my dad’s brother, one of my dad’s college friends, and I gave eulogies. Hearing stories about my dad from his brother and his friend made me feel supported–it was comforting to hear different sides of his life that I hadn’t fully known before.

My heavy casket

I remember walking up to my dad’s casket at the end of the funeral and just spending some time looking at my dad. He looked peaceful. He also looked smaller in size (probably due to the embalmment process).

And then, for some reason, I started thinking — what if I were in that casket instead? What if I died right now? A bit weird and a bit dark, but the thought hit me hard. I knew that if that were me, I’ be leaving behind a lot of regret, a lot of unfulfilled dreams, and a lot of unused potential. The casket I would be in would be very heavy because it’d be filled with all the things I hadn’t done.

The thought shook me mentally because I knew that I could be in a casket at any time. I don’t think I’d be at peace with how I lived.

When I shared all of this with my therapist the following week, he encouraged me by saying I was doing the best I could and that’s something I can be proud of. That sort of hit me as well.

I hope that’s what my dad felt before he died – knowing he did the best he could as a father and husband. I knew he did.

If you’re going through the loss of a father or a parent or just a loved one, I share about my grief experience here.