About two weeks ago, I bumped a mom outside my local Sprouts grocery store. She walked up and asked, “Are you looking for any work done like cleaning your car or cleaning up your yard? I’m not asking for money. I just want to exchange work for food and water for my kids.”
I told her I did not and she walked away, shoulders heavy.
I loaded my groceries into the car and then just sat there for a minute. Something about her stayed with me.
I have a soft spot for people who are struggling or who are homeless, but this mom hit me differently. Maybe because she wasn’t asking for a handout or money. Maybe it was because she was fighting for her kids. And I thought, if I were in her shoes, how naked and exposed would I feel, having to ask strangers for help.
I drove after her, caught up, and handed her some money. I really wished I took time out to buy her food instead. She started crying. I told her, “God bless you, good luck”, and drove off.
Why this stuck with me
It’s been a tough couple of weeks for me – not in the same way as the mom of course. I’m not comparing my problems to hers. But day after day, I feel like I’ve been fighting to stay focused on my goals. Fighting to keep showing up. When things get tough, I keep thinking about that mom.
I’ve been asking myself a question that started with her – “If I were a parent taking care of myself like I was my own kid, would I fight for me?” Because that’s what the mom was doing – she was fighting for her kids and her own life.
Most days, my answer has been no. “No, you’re not worth it. Just give up. Take a break. Don’t bother chasing your goals.” And when I think that way, I end up feeling bitter and small and pitiful.
But on the days I answer yes, I feel less bitterness. More resolve.
What I’m learning
That question has become my way of focusing my mind lately.
It forces me to confront the negative thoughts that convince me that I’m worthless.
It also pushes me to find and create evidence that I am worth fighting for. Even if the evidence is as small and pathetic as “just put away one plate of the dirty dishes”.
So that’s where I’ve been the last couple of weeks. Just trying to live like someone I’d fight to protect. Asking myself “Do I believe I’m worth it? When things get tough, am I worth fighting for?”
